Journal Entry

This particular post is of a more personal nature and is not meant to be a pity party or to solicit comments. Feel free to read on, but please don't feel the need to make me feel better. (Really. I'm okay. Just venting.) I simply have to write it out and this is the closest I get to a journal.

This divorce stinks. My parents have been divorce now for two and a half months and my relationship has changed with both of them. Surprisingly, my conversations with Daddy have gotten better. Perhaps it's because we're both at the bottom of the financial barrel that we feel we have a lot in common. But maybe we've both been through some very humbling experiences (he more than I) in the last 4 months and just need some semblence of the old support system back. I'll get back the "support system" in a minute. It's been nice to feel like I'm communicating in part with my Dad again. Niether of us are perfect and I think we even have some very differing views on things. But we've recently had conversations that have lasted more than 6 minutes, been about something other than a medical question (he's a doctor), or even other than the divorce itself. I think this has been the only silver lining through it all. On the other hand, my conversations with Mommy have shrunk in number and length. Frankly, it's probably good for both of us. I know there were many times that I'd just call to talk and I'm sure I kept her from doing something very important. (She's a great multitasker with some things, but not all.) And it's good for me to find other outlets for my talking. However, almost every time I've called in the past two weeks it's been short (for fear that I'm bothering her) or it's been cut short because she's "gotta go and I'll call you back". I think I can count on one finger how many times I've gotten a call back. In her defense, she under a lot of financial stress too and is trying to figure out how to make ends meet while still doing her motherly duties to the youngest who is still at home for a few years. It's mostly just a bummer. I certainly had different dreams of how my adult life would pan out as far as a support system was concerned.

Typically your support system are the ones closest to you: parents, siblings, other family, close friends, etc. About the time that I got married I began to see my support system changing. My parents were distancing themselves from eachother, I gained in-laws (who I love), a few sisters-in-law, and a husband. Mommy has always been a huge anchor to my support system. I often long to know what she thinks of a certain situation or how to make a certian dish. I long to be like her in so many ways. I'm not sure if she feels that I'm pushing her out of that role or if she's removing herself from it unawares (or not). I don't think this is diliberate. But it has changed nonetheless and it's currently a difficult adjustment.

Now here's the selfish part:
I get jealous when I hear that mommy calls Hannah all the time. I get jealous when I hear of other mothers who come and stay for two weeks or more after a grandbaby is born. I get frustrated when I realize that my parents are not in a financial position to help us if something goes terribly wrong. I don't remember tons of what it was like growing up, but perhaps I just miss being the oldest who got the most attention?? I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I won't get some of those kinds of things. I'm learning what I have control over getting and how to adjust my expectations accordingly.

Again, this is not supposed to be a slam session or a pity party. It would probably be better if no comments were left. If you feel the need to "soothe my aching soul" :) you can send an email or call. But really, I'm fine. Just had to get it out.