But here's where the struggle comes in. I've never had a successful experience. Ya know how all infants are stereotypically chubby? with the little rolls around their knees and elbows with several chins? That's not my babies. All my babies have been long and skinny. I used to wonder if Bekah's little arms would ever support her or if she would ever have ANY upper body strength. Andrew was terribly small until we switched him to cow's milk at 4 months (that's another story for another day). You'd never know it to look at him now, but it's true. And Elisabeth is headed for a similar path.
She is 9 weeks old today and hasn't yet gained one pound since her birth. She is healthy, alert, has the proper amount of wet and dirty diapers, has reached appropriate milestones, but she is terribly underweight. Last night I pumped for the first time in an attempt to up my milk supply. I got a meager 2.5 oz. I cried for 10-15 min telling myself that it was no wonder she was so small! If that was all she got each of the 6-7 times she ate in a 24 hr period then it was half of the 22-28 oz. she was supposed to be getting. It was very late here so I called my Dad and poured my heart out in my very vulnerable state. It would be an understatement to say that I cried. Michael was asleep upstairs and I'm a little surprised that I didn't wake him. (I did write him a brief note afterward to let him know what was going on in my head and my heart. Frankly, I wanted to tell him about it first, but just didn't have the heart to wake him.)
I was overwhelmed with feelings of being inadequate as a woman, insufficient as a mother, and over all full of low self-esteem. It's been a long time since I've felt that insecure. And it takes a lot to bring me there. My sister used to tell me that I always manage to see the silver lining in every gray rain cloud. But I am still struggling to find that lining at the moment. I've slept since last night, so I'm feeling better emotionally. But it will take me a few days of the new regiment and a lot of positive feedback from the hubby to right my spirits completely. Deep down I know that my worth as a person and as a mother doesn't rely on my ability to have children or feed them my breast milk. But it will take a few days of crying over it for my head to believe my heart.
Mostly I ache for Elisabeth and hope (pray) that over the next two weeks or so I can come to a solution that I feel comfortable with and that will help her gain the weight she needs.
4 comments:
Oh, Rachael! I'm so sorry! You're not alone in your anxiety over your children. Look at how cute your other kids are, they're well and happy. Little Elisabeth will surprise you one day, hopefully soon, with how much she's grown. Isaac fell off the growth charts months ago and trust me I have to pull myself away from the edge now and then, but he keeps chugging along. I hope you find a solution that you can be at peace with and where Elisabeth thrives!
Dont feel bad!!! I could never pump more than a few ounces, but I know my babies drank more than I could pump, just because pumping is VERY hard. It in NO way tells you how much milk you are producing. I heard about a product at target called a milk screen (that you put on and will tell you how much milk your baby drinks.) I have no Idea if it works or not, but its a neat idea. There are natural things (such as fennel oil) that really bring up your milk supply. I tried it with my youngest and it helped a LOT. Is your baby fussy all the time as if she is hungry? You will know if she is getting enough. When I want to bring my milk up, I also end up feeding every 1 1/2 hours instead of 3. If you end up supplementing, don't feel bad! Bringing her in this world is the most important part and she will never know the difference in the long run! Your doing a great jog!!! She is beautiful!!!
Don't hate me for leaving a comment here! Warning: ample unsolicited advice!
First of all - HUGE big hugs. Motherhood in general exposes us to all kinds of insecurities we never knew we had, eh? :)
You're so right - your worth/value as a mother and person are absolutely not dependant on whether you feed your child breast milk or something else. Please be easy on yourself and try to avoid the guilt! You're doing the best you can with the resources you have, and your particular situation. YOU ARE A FANTASTIC MOTHER,... if more moms were "traditionalists," the world be a better place!
I'm glad you felt a little better after some sleep (late nights are the WORST for emotions, right!)
Honestly, being a mom that wants to do what's best for her children, regardless of what mountains you have to move to do it, is something to be extremely proud of, and a source of self-esteem. And you, most obviously, want to do what's best for your children. And, the fact is, that includes breastfeeding.
Of course it's not the end-all. There are a million "best things" we want to give to our children. We can't do them all. And we can't beat ourselves up - that's life. Every mom is dropping the ball on something. Heck, my kid just had 7 cavities filled. I felt like a GREAT mom about that, realizing that maybe I should've done that whole flossing thing for her... =)
Anyways, rambling.
If you'd like a little more help on making this one work.... here are a few suggestions (and I'm not at all offended if you choose not to post this mile-long comment):
-6 to 7 feedings.... not enough! At all! Some women can get away with that few. They have larger "storage capacities." Many mothers have to nurse much, much more frequently. 2.5 ounces is actually just fine, if you're nursing much more often. Frequency, frequency, frequency.
-Pumps = a very inaccurate indicator of what your baby is actually receiving. Even if you're using a top-of-the-line, brand new pump, it's still not half as good at removing milk as your baby is. If you're using a pump that's any less quality than that, it's an even worse indicator of what you're producing.
-Breast massage (using hands to move fattier milk through the ducts) during pumping/breastfeeding increases the amount of fat that is expressed in the breastmilk. I listened to a review of a new study on this that was discussed on a podcast (I think #4 in the list here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/breastfeeding-medicine-podcast/id417009927). It also increases the AMOUNT (calories!) of milk that is expressed. So - get handy! :)
-Get yourself to LLL mtgs! Maybe you already have? Such a great free resource to tap into. And you can always bring your other kids - children are welcome.
-Take good care of yourself. Eat well, drink lots. Keep baby near you as much as possible (slings, wraps, co-sleep, etc). Those night feedings are particularly important for weight gain.
-Skinny baby: I can relate! I've got two of them, and they're still long and lean with not a pinch of fat to spare! It's hard to look at your child, and KNOW they're fine - they're thriving and healthy - but to deal with other's comments and looks. I remember feeling like I was getting punched every time people would say innocent things like, "oh, she's so tiny! Little chicken arms and legs!"
Anyways.... I'll stop now :) But I'm available to talk ANYTIME - for breastfeeding help or moral support! I wish I were near by - I'd take your other kids every afternoon so you could rest with baby and have major cuddle-nursing time :)
She is beautiful! You are a wonderful mother! :) I have to breastfeed frequently with only about 1 to 1 1/2 hours between feedings because I am so small chested my kiddos only get tiny bits at a time. You will know what is best for you baby. Best of luck! :)
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