Reaching for Something Better (For My Children)

I've felt a great need to be better than I have been of late.  I think this stems from having a different calling.  I've always been in a music calling - that's where my strengths are and where I was most needed.  But now I'm not in music.  And I'm being stretched in ways that I can't explain.  The weight on my shoulders is different.  The workload is different.  The expectation is different.  And I'm feeling myself grow.  At the same time, I feel my inadequacies acutely.  I know I have it within me to become and be what the Lord wants me to be.  But I see where I am and where I feel the Lord is leading me and there is a large gap between the two.  I'm not sure how to get across that gap.  So I feel anxiety for the unknown and I feel great peace when I'm at church and when I have read my scriptures in the day. 
I feel like I need to start in my own home.  I'm a good mom.  I take my kids outside to play, I make sure they get social interaction without over-scheduling them, I love them in word and deed, I serve them with a willing heart, etc.  But I've noticed that I often disengage.  Perhaps that comes from the ever-so-strong message of the world that I need "me" time.  Lame.  Deep down I know that the Lord will provide "me" time if I put my family and Him first.  I know that He will give me the appropriate amount of "me" time if I trust in Him.  And if I do that, then my children and husband AND I will get the best.  I want to engage more often.  I've done little things over the past 4 weeks and I've noticed a huge difference in my relationship with my kids.  I have fun!  And they have a blast 'cause mommy's spending that extra time with them!  Why is this so hard?
And yet it is and continues to be.  Satan is fighting my desires with all that he can.  He tells me that finishing the laundry is more important than helping Patrick learn to rollerblade.  He tells me that I just need another minute (more like 10) to read another blog so I can get that "me" time.  He lets and helps me get annoyed when one of my children ask a question for the third time and I yell at them that they should have been listening because I've already answered that question twice.  He tells me that I don't want to play THAT game - it's so blah boring or too far above my kids.  This is hard.  Being selfless is hard.  But I WANT to be.  I want to give my kids the best childhood that they can have.  I want them to know and feel that their Heavenly Father, their Savior, and their parents love them beyond anything else in the world.  I want them to learn to be good people and they can't learn that if I don't show them every possible way to do so.  I want to know that I've done all that I can do when they get to high school and beyond and begin to make those important decisions in life.  I want them to have all the tools they can to have a happy life with the Savior by their sides. 
I started having these yearnings back when I was reading in the war chapters of Alma.  The desire took hold somewhere in the middle of Helaman.  I remember one particular day that started out well.  I think I'd exercised that day, showered and actually managed to accomplish a lot before 11.  I sat down to read my scriptures in Mormon and by the time I was finished I was tired.  I'd sat still too long.  The kids were currently busy playing downstairs so I laid down for a quick pick-me-up nap.  No sooner had I started to drift off than someone came up to whine about some injustice.  I settled the matter and asked them to leave me alone for a few minutes to take a nap.  This happened about 4 more times before I lost it.  I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A NAP SO THAT I WOULDN'T DO WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!  I yelled at them and sent them downstairs.  Then they started playing the piano!  I lost it and banished them to the basement.  But I wasn't sleepy anymore.  I was near tears.  My peaceful morning was gone.  My relationship with my children was gone at that moment.  So I prayed.  Bekah was downstairs crying about what had just happened, but I knew that I needed forgiveness from the Lord if I was going to handle the situation in the right way and be able to mend things.  I cried through my prayer.  I explained to the Lord that I didn't want to be ungrateful, unkind, and unfeeling as the Nephites were just before they were wiped from the earth.  I wanted to love my children.  I wanted to be patient with them.  Please show me how and guide me to make things right.  I called them up and apologized.  I explained in simple terms what had upset me but told them that I was not right to do what I did.  I cried.  I asked for forgiveness.  And I held them close.  They smiled and wrapped me in their arms as if I was the one who had been wronged.  Oh!  I have so much to learn from these little ones!
So now I'm in Ether reading once again about a people that just didn't get it.  Up and down and up and down again.  Back and forth they go from righteousness to wickedness.  And over and over again I see the pattern of righteousness leading to prosperity leading to pride and wickedness leading to destruction and then back to righteousness. 
As I look at the past few years of my life they have been good.  But I'm realizing that I haven't really gone where I needed to go spiritually.  It's not that I've committed some heinous sin - it's more that I haven't created what is necessary to go where I need to be.  Then I have my doubts about if I can really trust the Lord to get me where I need to go.  Yes.  He can.  But I must prove to myself that I can do my part as a willing daughter to CHOOSE to get there.  So much relies on our agency.  And I see so many examples of the poor use of agency around me.  I hear stories about people I know and just shake my head at their poor choice.  Yet I have not been willing to choose to move myself forward.  I think, honestly, that I've been quite ignorant of my stagnation until recently. 
So it is now that I make the decision to trust in the Almighty to make of me what He will.  I've always been positive that my little orb of my spirit is pretty awesome.  But I think I've been a little intimidated by it until now.  I have been reading "Daughters in My Kingdom" and am floored by the women in the early church.  They had such faith and strong conviction!  I have that, but I haven't put it into practice.  I think I've been trying to hang onto a few worldly things.  But I'm understanding more and more each day what it means to be a "peculiar people" and to be "set apart from the world".  It's a challenge to be different.  There are many times when I feel alone, though I am not.  But there are many times when I see the blessings in my life and wish that others could have them too.  When we choose this life of discipleship, we choose to give certain things of the world up.  It's a permanent Lent, if you will.  We choose the blessings of the gospel over the fleeting happiness the world has to offer with all of it's tags and bows.  I'm gaining a better understanding of the Atonement and that in and of itself is encouraging.  I will do this with my Savior at my side!  And we will conquer!  I wish nothing more than to be able to stand in the presence of my Heavenly Father and my Savior without wincing and to have my family by my side.  I have many other temporary hopes and dreams, but they pale in comparison to this desire.  I hope to see you there in that light!  For that's where I'm going.