I've debated for a long time whether I could post about my parent's divorce. I've finally come to the conclusion that my family doesn't check my blog often enough for me to care. But who knows - this may be the week they decide to drop in and I'll have to remove it.
In general: divorce sucks. Sorry for the language, but the words seem to flow together in sourness. My mom finally asked my opinion on the subject of their divorce. I wasn't sure what to say, but truth and frankness won out. It's horrible for those whose marriage is no more, but I believe that it's just as bad for those who have no control over the situation and yet it effects them so deeply (a.k.a. children, siblings, parents, etc.).
I may have my opinions about right and wrong in my parents situation, but it boils down to this: they both have responsibility for wrong and ultimately it is between the two of them and the Lord if they get divorced. The only thing I have control over is my response to the situation. Therefore, if I get mad or angry about it I have no one to blame but myself. If I choose not to take sides (as much as possible) and make the best of it, it is entirely up to me. I'm grateful for our agency. I'm grateful for my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. But this whole experience and what is still to come makes me the most grateful for eternal families and for forgiveness.
In the meantime, the thought that brought this on is the complication that divorce suddenly throws upon simple gatherings. Should both parents be invited to both side's reunions? Is it wrong to see one parent more than the other simply because they have more room for grandchildren to play? How do you balance things without feeling and looking like you're playing favorites? Or do you even worry about it? Hmmm.
11 comments:
John's parents are divorced. We plan activities and invite both sides, they can decide to come or not. We can't worry about who we are offending b/c ultimately it is our little family's happiness that matters most. I've found that most of the time as long as we spend genuine time with each parent things usually turn out fine. They've been divorced for over 10 years, however. Time really seems to help in the matter, I'm sure at first it will be uncomfortable, but just remember that the divorce wasn't your choice and you shouldn't have to live with the consequences anymore. :) Just my opinion...
I just want to tell you I am sorry for your situation. My parents got a divorce when I was 15 and to this day it still hurts. I agree that is hard to be an innocent bystander watching the family you have loved suddenly change so dramatically. I think the greatest lesson I learned from my parents divorce is that no family is "safe" and that all you can do is work as hard as you can at your own marriage, stay close to the Lord, and pray daily to be a better spouse/person yourself. Again, I am sorry to hear about your family. My prayers are with all of you.
Rachael - I'm glad that you're willing and able to place the responsibility where it belongs (aka - not on yourself or your siblings, etc.). I hope that you can continue to find peace and hope through the promises of the gospel. I can't imagine dealing with the fallout of divorce, but I've seen enough friends go through it to last a lifetime. We all love you and know that you have the strength to get through this.
I can't even imagine...it probably feels good to have written about it though, that at least usually helps me figure out how I feel about things :) I am sure you'll be able to work it out :)
Hey Rachel, I am so sorry for your families circumstances. I don't completely understand what you are going through, but I will say a couple of my brothers are divorced. One of them I still keep in close contact with his ex for the simple fact that I cannot be the one to judge what went on in their marriage. Like you said, the only ones with responsibility are them and the Lord. I will say I make it a point NOT to discuss it with either of them though(it is easier for me to not have an opinion that way:)! As for playing favorites, I also think you should just do what you feel is best for your little family. They are what matter most! I hope and pray you have peace and comfort as you continue through this time!
Rachael,
I know this must be a tough time. After reading all the comments above, I couldn't agree more on their advice. You have such a wonderful support system such as your friends, your children and your loving husband. Papa family stated so well, as far as having families over, invite them both always! No doubt there will be struggles and frustration but there will be good and wonderful moments. Rachael, you have such a wonderful outlook on life. Keep that outlook looking brighter with your eternal family. Keep the Gospel and your testimony strong and true. You will do so great. Keep your chin up. But remember also, your parents have done well by you. Look how great you turned out. You have made such good choices. Keep that example set in your family. Hang in there. I am glad you wrote, I know that does make you feel somewhat better.
I to am sorry for your circumstances but don't have any great ideas on how to deal with it as I have not been through it myself, but it sounds like to me you are on the right track. Don't ever blame yourself for something you have no control over, just continue your relationship with each one and don't change how you do things with your family. Invite them both and let them decide how they want to handle it. Good luck!
Rachael - I'm really sorry to hear your news and for the pain that goes with that. We will keep you in our prayers.
Hang in their Rachael - I can't even imagine how tough this must be for you. You and Michael need to keep doing whatever is best for your family without worrying which parent you might offend. I'm here for you if you need anything.
Well I don't have any profound advice to offer because I can't relate too well, however I can offer my prayers, my shoulder and my ear. If you need a friend, I'm about 20 steps away...or a phone call if it's too hot to step outside! :)
I'm so sorry. I would think it might be an easier time now that you are married yourself, but I don't think it would be at all. It takes a lot more energy when visiting so good luck. At get-togethers we do our best to divide our time evenly but it is hard. We end up staying at the bigger, cleaner, more inviting home...the other parent feels left out. I hope your parents never develop bad habits because that gets even harder because you don't want to expose your kids to how the "real world" lives, but you have to in order to spend time with them in a way. Hard! I really hope you hang in there. Everything will be OK. I'm sorry you are going through this. Nothing to wish on anyone and a great blessing you have the gospel to help you through it all though. Don't know what else to say. Sorry.
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